When You Don’t Feel God’s Love: 5 Practices for Going Deeper in Your Relationship With God
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Photo by Fa Barboza on Unsplash
“I don’t feel God’s love.”
Have you ever said or thought these words?
If so, you’re not alone. Many times I’ve struggled with the disconnect between knowing that God loves me and actually feeling His love.
It might be tempting to brush aside the discomfort of this disconnect and get on with the responsibilities of life. “After all,” some say, “love is an action, not a feeling.” But if you look closely at the love displayed in the Bible, it’s clear that it’s not just rote responsibility—it’s also passionate emotion.
God doesn’t just act lovingly toward us, He feels love for us. And He doesn’t want us to only understand His love, but to experience it in a deep way.
If, like me, you’ve struggled with a disconnect between knowing about God’s love and actually feeling it, I hope you’ll check out the article I’m sharing with you today. It’s a piece I wrote last year for The Joyful Life’s print magazine, and I’m sharing it online for the first time today.
In it, I share more about my journey of learning to feel God’s love, including five spiritual practices that made a big difference in my ability to discern God’s love.
As I’m sure you’re aware, Valentine’s Day is just around the corner—a holiday that, perhaps more than any other, is a testament to our heart’s deep longing for love and acceptance. And while human love is good and worthy of desiring and celebrating, there’s a love that reaches deeper than any earthly love we can find. God’s love is truly beyond what we can think or imagine, and I pray that you experience a radical, tangible infilling of His amazing love this week, no matter your romantic status!
P.S. Keep scrolling to read the article!
❤️ In purpose and faith,
Distant or Delighted? Learning to See Jesus With a Smile
I was sitting in a circle with the other members of my Bible study group when our leader invited us to imagine what Jesus’ face looks like.
Dutifully, I closed my eyes and tried to picture Him. The image that appeared was of a man with long, brown locks and dull, brown eyes. His unsmiling lips were set in a neutral line. He didn’t look disapproving, but he didn’t look happy either.
As I studied His face, I felt sad, fearful, and unsure of how He felt about me.
I was troubled by this experience because, intellectually, I knew God loved me deeply and felt positively—even passionately—about me.
Throughout the Bible, God describes His love in the most tender terms known to humankind. He compares His love for us to the love a parent has for their child—a warm, welcoming, compassionate love (Isaiah 66:13; 1 John 3:1). He also describes His love for us as the love a groom has for his bride—a passionate, ardent, sacrificial love (Revelation 19:7; Ephesians 5:25-27).
Yet, my picture of Jesus revealed that, deep down, I perceived Him as serious and restrained, maybe even a little depressed. It also highlighted my fear that I was not a source of joy or pleasure to God, and that, though He loved me, it was with a distant, aloof love.
I knew this isn’t how God wanted me to view Him. In Ephesians 3:18, the apostle Paul prayed, “May you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully” (NLT).
More than anything, I wanted to experience the love of God—I wanted to feel it, not just know about it. So I started asking God to take my understanding beyond intellect and into a deep heart knowing of my value to Him.
FROM TO HEAD TO HEART
As I started praying, I began encountering God’s love in new and exciting ways.
He romanced me when, one morning, I woke to a sunrise bursting with hues of lavender, tangerine, and peony pink and knew without a doubt that that sunrise was a message of love straight from God to me.
He showed me that He cares about the little details of my life by answering silly but heartfelt prayers, like my prayer to see a groundhog. (One of these furry creatures showed up on my back deck within a week of that prayer. I was 30 years old at the time and, believe it or not, it was the first groundhog I’d seen up close in my life.)
He conveyed His delight in me when, on a spring morning a few days before my birthday, He whispered to my heart, “I love the day you were born.”
Through these and other experiences, the knowledge that God loves me dearly has started to move from my head to my heart; I’ve started to understand that He doesn’t just tolerate me—He delights in me. He doesn’t stare silently—He sings.
Maybe, like me, you know that God loves you, but you struggle to experience His love on an emotional level. If so, here are a few practices that have helped me on my journey to learning to feel more of God’s love.
ASK
As I mentioned, for me, feeling more of God’s love started with simply asking. Jesus said, “Ask, and it will be given to you” (Matthew 7:7, ESV). When we ask to experience God’s love, we know He will answer because this request is in line with His will.
One of my favorite ways to ask for more of God’s love is by praying a personalized version of Ephesians 3:18-19. Years ago, I copied the Living Bible’s paraphrase of this verse onto sticky notes, changing each mention of “you” to “I” and “yourselves” to “myself,” so it reads: “May I be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high his love really is; and to experience this love for myself, though it is so great that I will never see the end of it or fully know or understand it.”
I stuck the notes on my bathroom mirror and have been praying these verses ever since, and I’m convinced that my willingness to ask and pray has played a key role in my increased ability to feel God’s love.
It can take time for our experience and feelings to change, so don’t get discouraged if, when you start asking, it doesn’t seem like anything is happening. For me, this prayer is one that has been answered over the course of many years, and it is still in the process of being answered. Just keep asking and keep believing, and in time, you will reap a harvest of love.
REMIND YOURSELF OF THE TRUTH
As I mentioned earlier, God once told me that He loves the day I was born. Soon after this revelation, I decided that every time I see my birth date I will actively remind myself that God loves me. So, since my birthday is April 14th, anytime I see the numbers 4-1-4 in a Scripture reference, on a receipt, or on the clock, I say out loud (or silently, if I’m around other people): “I am loved, I am adored, I am cherished, I am treasured, I am wanted…”
In Romans 10:17, the apostle Paul said that “faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ” (ESV). I’ve found that my faith in God’s love for me has grown stronger as I’ve consistently heard the truth about who I am in His eyes. And, as my faith has grown, so has my experience of His love.
What signal might you use to remind yourself of God’s love? Perhaps you could set an alarm on your phone to go off at certain intervals, or maybe you could affirm God’s love whenever you see a certain color or a particular type of flower.
Whatever you choose, do your best to be consistent, and don’t let discomfort stop you. It might feel a little funny to declare God’s love when you’re not feeling it, but think of it as an act of faith—you are choosing to believe God’s truth, regardless of your circumstances. And we know that this kind of faith is rewarded by God (Hebrews 11:6).
RECOGNIZE CREATION AS GOD’S LOVE LETTER TO YOU
In their book Captivating, John and Stasi Eldredge write that “God’s version of flowers and chocolates and candlelight dinners comes in the form of sunsets and falling stars, moonlight on lakes and cricket symphonies; warm wind, swaying trees, lush gardens, and fierce devotion.”
I’ve found this to be true. Some of the most intimate infusions of God’s love for me have come through His creation. I’ve come to realize that when I encounter a sight or sound or smell that delights my soul, God is communicating with me. Every sunrise that makes my heart swell with joy, every breath of rain-scented air that I savor, every star-spangled night that moves my heart with awe and mystery is a love note addressed to me, a treasure created with me in mind. And the same is true of you! The next time you marvel at a towering sequoia, swoon over a fragrant rose, or thrill at crashing ocean waves, recognize that, at that moment, God is loving you specifically and personally.
SLOW DOWN AND GET ALONE
One morning, I was snuggled up on my couch with my eyes closed, quietly listening for God’s voice, when I was surprised to hear Him singing. I couldn’t hear Him with my ears, but in my heart and mind, I felt Him singing the lyrics of a popular Christian song—only instead of the words being directed toward Him, as they are when I sing the song, He was directing the words toward me. I’d felt God sing to me before, but never in this specific way, and I was startled by the intensity of emotion He was expressing. He was singing to me about His adoration and His devotion, about how He’s poured Himself out for me and how affectionately He feels toward me. The tone was fervent, yearning even. I was deeply moved, and in those few moments, I got a glimpse of how truly in love with me He is.
God can speak to us anywhere, anytime. We don’t have to be sitting alone in a silent room for hours to hear from Him. But I can’t help thinking that if I hadn’t taken the time to be still before Him, I would have missed out on this expression of His love.
The truth is, certain kinds of intimacy only come when we’re alone with our lover. To truly experience a flourishing love relationship with God, we must learn to slow our hearts and hands and find time alone in His presence. For me, some of the best ways to commune with God are through writing in my journal, walking in nature, singing worship songs in the privacy of my home, or simply sitting quietly.
What settings help you connect with God? Trust that as you spend time with Him and listen, He will speak.
GOSPEL MEDITATION
Gospel meditation is a way of spending time with Jesus by imagining ourselves with Him in the stories in the Bible. I discovered this practice a few years ago when I read The Gift of Being Yourself by David Benner. The process, as Benner describes it, is simple: Quiet yourself in God’s presence, read a passage from one of the Gospels, then, “as if you were a spectator, observe the events as they unfold. Watch, listen and stay attentive to Christ…be present to Jesus.”
I was intrigued by this concept and decided to give it a try.
One passage I meditated on was the story of the poor widow who dropped two copper coins into the Temple offering box (Mark 12:41-44). I pictured Jesus watching from a short distance, the woman unaware that her Creator is observing her humble sacrifice. As she turns to go after depositing her last pennies, she catches Jesus’ eye, and He breaks into the biggest smile imaginable. Then, in a moment of divine intimacy, the woman responds with a beaming smile of her own as she gazes into the eyes of pure Love.
As I pondered this scene, the immensity of Jesus’ love was almost tangible—I could feel His joy and affection, I could feel His pride and delight in His daughter.
What a change from that first time I imagined Jesus’ face! My depressed, serious Jesus has been replaced with a God of tenderness, affection, and joy.
As I’ve reflected on other passages in the Gospels, again and again, I’ve seen Jesus smiling, His eyes awash with love. Through meditating on Scripture in this way, I’ve felt a closeness to Jesus that I haven’t felt before.
If you like the idea of Gospel meditation but worry that you’ll have a hard time imagining the settings that you find in the Gospels, don’t let that hold you back. As Benner, who has trouble visualizing things himself, assures his readers, you don’t have to have a super detailed mental image to ponder Jesus and experience His love in a deeper way. Simply focus on the details provided in Scripture and enjoy His presence.
MORE THAN YOU CAN IMAGINE
No matter where you are on your journey, no matter what you’ve done—or haven’t done—God is smiling at you with eyes full of happiness and joy. I pray that as you continue to seek Him, you will feel and experience His amazing love in ways that are beyond what you could ask for imagine (Ephesians 3:20)!
This article was originally published by The Joyful Life.
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